The TV Episode(s) that Never Get Aired: The Un-Sexy Mom.

After this crazy week, I asked my husband to name the hottest/prettiest/most attractive Moms (his personal opinion).  No, this wasn't a bear-trap, and yes, our relationship is good enough that we can discuss the attractiveness of other women (I don't always agree with him) and it does not cause an issue.  After a few minutes of pondering, he opined that Betty Draper was pretty attractive.

Agreed. She's totally gorgeous, and if you take away the crazy, she's physically the type of woman I always wished I could be.  Classy, feminine, and put together. 

Another woman he's mentioned as being attractive more than once is Claire Dunphy of Modern Family. 

I also agree she's quite attractive, and slightly more realistic that Mrs. Draper.

Neither of these women, however, have ever been portrayed in what I call a real mom moment.  Ya know, those moments when you're not sure whether to laugh, cry, or scream about what just happened.  Those moments where you stand there and say (in the words of one of my college girlfriends), "IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!"

I've found that one of the all-time classic TV shows, Seinfeld, is relevant to most things. I'd be rich if I had a dollar for every time I said, "It's like that Seinfeld episode..."  Seinfeld missed the mark, however, when it comes to parenting. In fact, all TV shows missed the mark when it comes to real-life parenting moments. I mean, let's discuss the episode I would like to title, "The Redneck Diaper."

The Redneck Diaper

My mother and I were shopping around town for various fancy things: specifically, drapery fabric and furniture.  There was a store I'd been dying to visit in Frisco, but never seemed to have a free second without 22-month-old Henry or work responsibilities.  And no sane mother takes her 22-month-old son to a furniture store (unless we're going to label Sam's Club or those weird, big Krogers as furniture stores).  Finally, I managed to have a free moment with only my mother/Walter in tow.  Off to IBB we went, and it was amazing. Could've bought the entire store, though I tried to remain focused on the prize - a new china cabinet (gosh, when did we get so old we're shopping for china cabinets?!?)! 

I was in the back corner, working with a designer, so my Mom decided to walk Walter around in the stroller to keep him occupied.  Suddenly, I hear a nasal version of my Mom's voice from across the store, "Ummmm, Suz.... we need to go. Now!"  When children are involved, you know not to ask questions.  So I grabbed a business card and bolted for the door.    Turns out, Walter felt the need to use the restroom without warning.  And make it explosive.  Which proceeded to drip on the floor of the nice furniture store (thankfully, not on a rug, so Mom was able to clean it up).  It was EVERYWHERE.  Oh yeah, and we used the last diaper at the last fabric store and thought a quick detour to the furniture store would be fine. I so should've known better.

So when life fails to give you diapers, make one!  Nothing like a good Arm & Hammer diaper bag (read: designed to hold stinky diapers, not become a stinky diaper) and a few wipes (for absorption, of course) to do the job.

 

I would love to say that I had the idea, but it was all Mom.  I was on the verge of wetting my own pants due to laughter as she punched leg holes through the bag.  And how cute - look at that redneck tush!

 

Yeah, you can't make this stuff up.  Don't you like the little knot she tied in the front using the handles?

 

The next episode I would like to title "Sick Kids."

Sick Kids

So it all began when we were trying to host a baby shower for some of our dear friends (this photo was taken at the start of the party).  

 

At the very, very beginning of the party, Walter threw up everywhere. Projectile style.  My other child does this regularly (when he's mad, upset, tired, overfed, etc.) - Walter, on the other hand, rarely even spits up. But I suppose if you're going to hurl, do it right?  Thank goodness it was on the wood floors and not on the carpet!!

The next morning, we get a call from daycare that Walter's projectiled twice and needs to be taken home.  When Paul went to go pick him up, they also met him at the door with Henry, who seems to have developed pink eye sometime that morning as well.  Of course, Paul had a meeting at 6:00 p.m. at work, so I ran home and managed to get a Drs. appointment for the late afternoon.  After dragging both kiddos to the Dr., we received a diagnosis of pink eye for Henry and a double ear infection for Walter. And we were told the ear infections were pretty bad, too.  Sweet baby didn't even show any symptoms beyond the throwing up - I felt AWFUL for him.  So we got some Zofran (MIRACLE drug) and antibiotics.

The next morning started with a bang. Walter woke up about 6:20 a.m., and managed to throw up on me twice and poop on me once. Before 7:00 am.

Somewhere between all the excitement I stripped down to underwear and a tshirt, cleaned up a little, and that's when Henry woke up.  The good thing about pink eye: kiddos don't really feel that bad.  The bad thing about pink eye: kiddos don't really feel that bad BUT they're crazy contagious.  So I get Henry fed for breakfast and bust out his eye drops.  Instructions read as follows:

Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-wait-a-minute.  You want me to put an eye drop in a toddler's eye, not let him blink for 1-2 minutes, and then put pressure on something, blah, blah, blah.  Eff that. Let's just see if we can get the eye drop in the toddler's freaking eyes.  What happened next cannot be fully explained because I became a hulk-like, possessed version of myself.  I know there was some wrestling involved, definitely some pinning down, and lots and lots and lots of screaming from Henry.  "NO LIKE IT!!!!" was said a LOT in what felt like that multi-hour wrestling match.  After that violent interaction, I can now verify that I would win the feats of strength at ANY Festivus gathering.  Praise the Lord there was no one there to witness or photograph that experience.  Walter slept through the whole ordeal....

 I proceeded to feed Henry M&Ms as a "treat" for letting me (HA!) put in eye drops. Yeah, he got M&Ms before 8:00 am.  And when you have an infant that is REALLY sick and confines everyone to the house (including the toddler who doesn't feel sick but actually is), what do you do? Well, you let him watch TV ALL day, run amok around the house, and feed him whatever it is he wants.  Popcorn.

 Cheesy chex mix.

And various other foods I will not post in case someone decides to call CPS based on this post.  In the meantime, I'm on blanket control big time because an already explosive infant becomes expertly explosive when antibiotics kick in....

Yeah, yeah, I know your feigning that you're grossed out by the pictures, but I LIVED THIS, people.  And in case you're wondering, I did finally get dressed.  At about 5:00 p.m. 

You think Betty Draper would still look put together if she was dealing with this stuff? I think NOT!  I think she'd be wrastlin' with her toddler in her underwear and a tshirt too if that's what it took to ensure he got better.  I also think she'd do whatever it took to make sure her infant felt better too.  Especially when they're this adorable.

 

So for anyone out there who doesn't have kiddos yet, be prepared: parenting is not sexy.  Being a mom is not sexy.  You're not going to throw on your pearls and heels while you prepare dinner in your expertly matched apron - you'll be barefoot, hair fallen/frizzed from a crazy day, running around like a crazy person, and simultaneously playing hide-and-seek while also trying to prevent mass destruction.  But being a mom is fun.  A lot of times, being a mom is really, really funny (many times it's funny in retrospect, not necessarily as it's happening)!  And being a mom is ridiculously rewarding.  That moment when your kiddo wakes up (whether from a nap or from a long, good night's sleep) and you just know they finally feel better and back to normal is so rewarding.  I'm not sure why - it's not like we have any actual control over when/if/how they get better, but it still makes us feel like we've accomplished something and may be re-entering the normalcy of our everyday lives.  Praise the Lord both our boys are back to their happy, healthy selves.  And PRAISE THE LORD we're done with toddler eye drops. At least for now.